I love words.  I love they way they twist and turn unexpectedly to form feelings and opinions and poetry and anger and love.  I love the way they bubble over and spill out sparkling and popping when I’m excited about something or the warm way they flow into and fill my heart when someone I love tells me they love me too.

But sometimes words just don’t seem to do it.  Sometimes they aren’t enough to express what we really mean, what we really feel.  I always want to mean what I say, to say what I really mean, like Horton the Elephant, but sometimes I can’t.  Like when the sun is sinking in the wintry west behind the chilly trees, the bright oranges and blues contrasting so beautifully behind the dark forms of the geese flying over the sleepy quiet browned hilltop.  I just gave it my best shot, but I can’t use words to describe what I really feel watching this because it’s honestly inexpressibly lovely, still, and soothing, and even though it happens at the end of every single day, it’s always new and different.

I work with a little girl who has no words.  Jena is a completely beautiful child with long, shiny, blonde-tipped black hair, perfectly shaped dark almond eyes and rosy pink cheeks that get even rosier when she laughs, and she laughs a lot.  She is affected by autism spectrum disorder, and even though she is six years old, she can’t speak.  Every day her family, her teachers, her therapists work with her to try to teach her, among other things, to use words, to know them, to understand them, to say them, to write them, to use them.  She’s made a lot of progress over the past year that I’ve known her, and it’s amazing to be a part of.  I was there when she said “hi” for the first time, and I was there when she wrote her name on a Magna Doodle for the first time. 

I wish Jena could use words.  I wish she could come home from school and tell me about her day, what she did in her classroom and who she played with at recess.  I wish she could tell her mother how much she loves her.  But I’ve realized that the really neat thing about Jena is that she doesn’t need words to tell us these things.  I know how her day at school was by what she’s like when she gets home.  She tells us when she’s tired, when she’s frustrated and when she’s happy, all without the use of words.  When her mother gets home from work and calls her up for dinner, she lights up.  She loves to sit in her mother’s lap and hug her and giggle with her.  I know we all wish that she could look at her mother and say “I love you, Mommy” by herself, completely unprompted and clearly.  But I know I can call out “I love you Mom!” as I’m running out the door to hang out with friends or go back to college and forget within two seconds that I even said it.  Not because I don’t really love her, of course I do, but because they were just fleeting words said in habit.  Stopping what I’m doing to find her, hug her and kiss her cheek would tell her I love her in a way the words I said can’t.  That’s what Jena does.  She shows us what she means instead of telling us.  And we understand her.  I understand just by looking at her when she’s mad at me, when she’s happy with me.  I understand her without words.

There’s a man who lives in a kind of run down house on a street in the town I grew up in.  Everyday, rain or shine, he stands out on the street by his mailbox for a couple of hours and waves at the cars that go by.  It’s usually around the time that school lets out because he especially likes to wave at the buses from the high school up the road.  Every opportunity I get I try to drive by his house, hoping he’s there.  I have never once spoken to this man, but his face is etched into my mind, round and soft and chocolate and sweet, with big eyes that have crinkles on the sides from smiling so much.  He knows my car because we’ve had it for years, my mom starting driving it when I was 12 and gave it me when I was a freshman in college.  I drive down that road whenever I come home from school.  I get really excited when I see that he’s out and get ready and roll my window down, rain or shine.  I honk my horn and wave like mad and he waves back and blows kisses at me.  He doesn’t blow kisses at everyone, but he blows them at me and waves longer than he does at other cars.  This makes me feel special, and I smile a lot even after I roll the window back up. 

I know that by society’s standards it’s not very “normal” to stand outside and wave at cars everyday.  But then, society as a whole rarely goes out of its way to wave at anyone they don’t know, to brighten anyone’s day.  I’m sure that this man was called “special” at school growing up, and though I don’t know exactly what his medical records say, I think he’s special for other reasons.  I think he’s special because he thinks I’m special, and because he makes a lot of people happy every day without even saying a word to them.             

Language is an incredible gift.  I hope that Jena someday learns how to open this gift.  We read books together every time I’m with her, really brilliant books by wonderful authors like Dr. Seuss and Audre.  Dr. Seuss even makes up his own words, which is really cool to me.  Whenever I try to make up my own words my friends just make fun of me.  I want Jena to think that words are really great too, but somehow I think she feels like she doesn’t really need them just yet.  Jena shows us what she thinks and what she feels, it’s all right there written on her face.  So as much as I hope that we teach Jena how to speak and how to write, how important and lovely words are, I hope that she keeps teaching us how important it is to be honest about what you think and feel, to be expressive through smiles and frowns, tears and laughter, hugs and kisses and songs, teaching us that sometimes words really aren’t so important, that you can brighten someone’s day with a simple hug or kiss.  Or even just a wave.           

Currently Listening Upstairs By Shane & Shane see related

- Unto You

Ok so I feel like it is imperative that I finally post the email that I sent out a couple of weeks ago about Young Lives camp at Lake Champion the last week of August.  (FYI:  Young Lives is basically Young Life for teen moms.)  Really, I could describe the week in one word:  Amazing.  But since I'm a sucker for detail, I'll fill you in more!


There were 50 teenage mothers at Lake Champion that
week for camp.  Of the 50, 22 of them brought their
children with them.  We had 11 infants and 11
toddlers, which made for some craziness at times!
Some of the mothers were just so young, which was hard
to see.  Yet they all clearly loved their babies, and
while some mothers understood how to care for them
better than others, it was awesome and encouraging to
see the YoungLives leaders working in the lives of the
girls and their babies.  These women not only modeled
the love of Christ to the girls, they also helped and
encouraged good parenting skills. 

As a childcare provider, my role was simply to love
the babies and take care of them while their mothers
had activities and events around camp.  I was
appointed to work with the toddlers, and I honestly
feel like there couldn't have been a cuter group of
children anywhere!  We had so much fun playing,
coloring, dancing, blowing bubbles and singing songs.
It was such a blessing to see how God had specially
fashioned each of their little hearts and
personalities.  I was also blessed to be a part of an
amazing childcare team of women (well, actually,
mostly women; we did have two guys!)  These people
were so Godly and encouraging, and I felt so
priviledged to get to serve with them! 

My favorite part of entire week though would happen
around 9:00 each night.  Most of the babies would be
more than ready for bed at this point, so we let them
sleep until their mothers came back to get them,
usually around 11:00 since there were always evening
events.  As the toddlers each got sleepy, we would
hold them and rock them to sleep.  As I held them,
sang to them, and prayed over them, I felt so aware
that God has a special plan for each of them.  They've
already "beaten so many odds" in so many ways; their
mothers chose to have them, to keep them, to get
involved in a wonderful ministry, to come to camp and
hear about Jesus.  There are incredible women looking
out for their well-being as well as their mothers, and
and their relationships with Christ.  It was humbling
to realize my role in getting to hold and know and
pray for these children was an incredible priviledge.

The verse "Let the little children come to me, and do
not hinder them, for the the kingdom of heaven belongs
to such as these" (Matthew 19:14) took on new meaning
that week.  At Forcey, our pastor has been encouraging
us to pray that we would see people as God sees them.
As I prayed that all week, I saw these children, and
their mothers (who really were just children
themselves) as the precious and beloved children of
God that they really are, whom God has ordained with a
plan and purpose.    

This hymn was my prayer for each of the children and
their mothers, that these words would come from each
of their hearts someday:
As For Me

As for me I will hope forever
I will praise You yet more and more
With my mouth I will tell of your righteousness
Your salvation from shore to shore

And I will come in the mighty deeds of God
And I will make known Your name
And I will tell of Your Holy love for me
And how You love them same
how You love them the same
how You love them the same

Oh God You have taught me from early age
Still I will tell of your wondrous deeds
Even when I'm old, oh God give me more of You
Until my generation sees

So all in all, God is good. 
Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than
anything we could ask or imagine-

Currently Listening Hollaback Girl Pt.2 By Gwen Stefani see related

I would like to share with everyone the lyrics I secretly sing to "Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani

This your face, This your face, This your face

Your FACE is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S

This your face, This your face, This your face

I dunno, maybe the "your face"/"your mom's face" thing is getting old??

Nah...... 

Currently Reading Boy Meets Girl : Say Hello to Courtship By Joshua Harris see related

Ok first, let me start this email by saying go to:  http://www.homestarrunner.com/sbemail133.html  and watch it and then proceed to read on. 

And now it's time for MY Bottom Ten:

10.  495, especially at the 270 spur...how is that much traffic ALWAYS even possible?
9.   Gluten!  Especially in the yummy foods I miss.
8.   People saying words totally wrong according to normal speech, i.e. calling a Snickers bar a "Sneeeckers bar" or calling a washing machine a "waRshing machine."  There is no R people!
7.   Terrible grammar/spelling words totally wrong in IM.  (Example:  "Me n ma boyz iz goin 2 da sto")  I think it takes longer to type that out than it does to type it normally.  On a similar note...romantic shoutouts, i.e. attempting to romance a supposed loved one through a profile.  If you are writing "love you always 8-28-04" or "thinking of you forever and always my sweet love of my life babyfacesnookumsdarlingheartsfacelovefacehearts" in your profile, you are telling me you don't actually have a babyfacesnookumsdarlingheartsfacelovefacehearts because no one actually thinks this is sweet or endearing or romantic or anything else.  Unless you are married.  Then you are acceptable.
6.  Summer headaches.  While thunderstorms themselves may lie in my TOP 10, the two hours leading up to a great thunderstorm always give me a migraine.
5.   Whinyness/complainyness/negativeness (yes I know that two of those aren't words, but making up my own words also lies in my Top 10.)  When you feel this way, I encourage you to sing "On the Sunny Side of the Street" at the top of your lungs and THEN talk to me, although I am always willing to listen to you be negative and sing the song myself!  (PS a Bottom Ten list is not complaining...it's just satire.)   
4.  Jumping on bandwagons.  I only am a part of fads if I catch on to them before everyone and their mom and their mom's dog does.  And I NEVER jump on the "I have a crush on the cute new celebrity" wagon, I think I was the only girl in my middle school who did not have a J.T.T. poster on her wall.
3.  Wanting, no NEEDING ice cream and finding it all gone.  (This happened to me tonight so it's very fresh and upsetting.) 
2.  Thinking I know the lyrics to a song and someone being like "Um no actually he's saying ___" and it being COMPLETELY different from what I thought.  Example:  Blues Traveler song "Run Around."  I always thought the chorus went "BUDDY AL...Why you gotta give me the run around?"  When I found out it was actually "BUT YOU" I was heart broken.  That crazy Al, he was always becoming people's buddies and then giving them the run around, and then turns out he didn't even exist.   
1.  The University of Maryland's Department of Transportation Services, conveniently placed across the street from the Chemistry Department, my #1 Bottom Ten place on campus.  I am convinced that Satan himself resides directly under the street in between the two buildings and conducts all evil through proceedings which occur within the two buildings.

Sadly, I think I could keep going...this is fun!  I have about a zillion TOP 10 lists, but they are by category.  Bottom line:  I LOVE LISTS.   

Once again, it's been a long time. 

I actually really enjoy writing stuff, so I don't know why I don't do it more often.  I guess I figure that people have enough of other people's stuff to read, but I will say that generally my stuff is angst-free, which is my ultimate goal in anything I write.  Angstlessness! 

So speaking of angst, here's why I decided to write.  (Oh p.s., in case you're wondering, angst as found in Dictionary de Taylor Atkinson is defined as a "generally whiney and kind of annoyingish attitude toward life" though dictionary.com i.e. one of my favorite websites, defines it as "a feeling of anxiety or apprehension often accompanied by depression."  We'll use my definition for the sake of uniformity.)  Anyway, I definitely started off this summer angstfully.  (Don't try to tell me that this word does not exist.)  I got really sick, and thus the following resulted:

1.  I spent the Saturday I was supposed to leave for Windy Gap, NC in the hospital getting X-Rays and a CATscan and drinking this incredibly icky white stuff that made me shiver and gag

2.  After determining that I had a combo of mono and lyme's disease (what?!!) I had to tell Windy Gap that I would not be coming down there for summer staff in the barn with the horses as I had been planning since January.

3.  I then found out that the PR internship at the National Zoo didn't want me anymore because I wouldn't be starting till so late and definitely didn't want me because I was sick.  *At this point I secretly cried myself to sleep*

4.  As soon as I finally started to feel better, after about a month, I had an allergic reaction to a medication and got covered head to toe in the worst hives I've ever seen in my life.  Spent another night in the hospital when my throat started to close.

5.  I got totally even more depressed than I'd been for a really long time.  I spent most all of last semester feeling sick in one way or another, and now this?  Even though I knew that all of this was happening for a reason, and that God had a plan, I was honestly just so MAD.  What happened to my summer of adventures and new experiences and independence?  Why do I have to spend it on the couch?  And seriously, WHY IS THERE NEVER ANYTHING ON TV???

Ok so I finally realized I needed an angst-check.  Angstful people really irritate me, and here I had become one.  I started thinking, ok maybe God just wants me to SLOW DOWN.  Maybe being forced onto a couch can be a positive thing.  If there's anything I struggle with, it's the concept of "Be STILL and know that I am God."  And I started to realize that even though this summer wasn't shaping up the way I wanted, no matter what it will still shape up to how God wants.  Then things started to look up! 

Soooo last night I was thinking about how it's about halfway through this summer, and while the amazing, life-changing and impactful summer I had planned still isn't exactly going down, it really hasn't been half-bad.  So I made a list of all the sweet blessings that have happened this summer in spite of me being sick and tired and stuff.  At about item #20 I realized that I am learning a lot about living in the moment.  That each day, no matter how boring or awful it's shaping up to be, will still have a moment of loveliness, usually totally unexpected and unplanned for.  And I think that really speaks to God's goodness, how He can work anything and everything out for the good of those who love him.  And while this is probably pretty easy for most, living moment by moment is hard for me.  I tend to spend every day looking ahead to the next day, and when a person does that, she misses the little gifts that each day brings, even the days when the sky is gray and her head is pounding and her dreams are suddenly dashed and it feels hopeless.  Because those are the moments when we realize that independence comes from a sense of true dependence, of realizing that we are all hopelessly lost and things are never in our control.  Then a chorus of Rascal Flatt's "Feels Like Today" started blaring in my head....AND IT FEELS LIKE TODAYYYYY I KNOWWWW...FEELS LIKE TODAYYYYY I'M SURE...(great, great song check it out!)

Now it's time for the list!  Not that anyone is even reading anymore.    But here it goes, my list of "Things that Made Me Incredibly Happy During Summer Break 2005."  It's a little different from the list I would have thought I would be making, but it's a great list nonetheless:

1.  Lenny bringing me a yellow rose to "brighten my day" during the first week when I was so sick, and sitting through about 5 hours worth of doctor appointments with me since my parents were in Colorado.

2.  Getting to read a lot of great books that I never would have had the time to read otherwise.

3.  Spending hours at the library just browsing.

4.  Watching lots of wedding shows and realizing that I think I would really like to be a wedding planner someday.

5.  Going to California Tortilla after being trapped in my house for 3 weeks and sitting with friends for over 4 hours. 

6.  Taking milk baths when I was so itchy.  You haven't lived until you've had a milk bath!

7.  Tori and Brooke coming over to visit me, when I wasn't contagious of course!

8.  Going to Whole Foods for the first time with my mom and discovering gluten-free almond scones...yum!

9.  Going back to Campaingers after being away for a month and the kids being really happy to see me and watching the Incredibles.

10.  Going to Jason and Diane's wedding with Lenny and seeing him all cute in his tux.

11.  Going to John's graduation party and seeing my 244-12 girls, and girl talking in the hammock with Stacy.

12.  Visiting my sister at the pub with Chris and Ryan and eating the worst ice cream ever but not caring because I was out of the house!

13.  Watching Lenny drive the tractor into the fence the first time he drove it.

14.  Waking up really, really early one morning because I itched so badly and watching the sunrise, then taking pictures while I waited for the Benedryl to kick in.

15.  Jena being really happy to see me the first time I saw her after not seeing her for a month. 

16.  Going to the Os game with my CP girls for Jayme's 21st

17.  Having time to research gluten-free recipes

18.  Sarah Joy and Jon coming over and bringing me GF brownies and a card and books, and them coming over again a week later and feeding everyone a GF Angel Food cake

19.  Laying the grass in the backyard watching the stars come out with Lenny :)

20.  Going on a 7 monthaversary date with Lenny to a great movie and dinner and him reading poetry to me at the table.

21.  Bottle feeding Sophie the lamb with Jenny and Karen.

22.  Hanging out at Sarah Joy's pool and catching up with friends.

23.  Laying out in the sun with my mom on numerous occasions.

24.  Late night journaling and praying on the deck beneath the stars, listening to the frogs and crickets singing.

25.  Watching thunderstorms roll in.

26.  Getting the lastest Nichole Nordeman CD and having songs on it bring tears to my eyes.

27.  Realizing how truly comfy my bed is and relishing it.

28.  Being grateful that when I was sick and alone all day I really wasn't because I had a cat at my feet, one at my head, one on the back of the couch, and Corker in my lap. 

29.  Going shopping with my mom and buying the best pants ever.

30.  Having time to try to learn the penny whistle.

Honestly, that's just a portion.  I could completely keep going, I could come up with something for every day.  What's ironic is that I didn't plan on any of these things happening, they just did, and I'm a happy and blessed person because of it!